


Prelude To A Kiss

by Arven (Ddevdas)



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Isak Valtersen, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ddevdas/pseuds/Arven
Summary: "Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have?", he asks, his voice low and rough, eyes hooded.Isak swallows drily and nods, green eyes locked on slightly glassy blue eyes but the intent is clear in them. Over nearly six years of mostly platonic friendship save for the occasional slip-ups, here was Even looking at him in a way that put Schistad's most lustful leers to shame.





	1. Chapter 1

“I can’t believe Issy K is getting married. My grumpy little God-kitten!” Eskild simpered with an exaggerated pout and ruffled Isak’s curls.

“Oh piss off, Eskild. I’m nearly 22. Lots of people get married in their 20s”. Isak grumbled while Jakob pressed a sweet kiss into his cheek. “Well, the moment I saw Isak tumbling down the stairs in college trying to tie his shoelaces, I knew I had to have him in my life”, Jakob teased his fiancé as Isak raised a middle finger at him, smiling sweetly as everyone laughed.

The rest of the night in their club celebrating Isak and Jakob’s engagement was spent in a hazy blur. Isak could remember catching glimpses of Mutta and Mikael cackling as they watched Adam stumble around drunk and crashing into a pretty girl which ended up with him nearly getting his face squashed into the girl’s D-cup; Jonas and Eva dancing along to Gabrielle; Noora and Chris holding up a drunk Vilde in between them while Magnus drunkenly swayed; Elias, Sana and Yousef talking among themselves; Eskild attempting to hook up with a good-looking guy in a goatee; and finally Even who was looking at him with an expression Isak didn’t dare to decipher.  
Even after five years, he could still feel the slight twinges of his former attraction to Even stir up in his gut. He had always kept Even at arms’ length, assuming Even was straight and his crush being one-sided, until Even’s drunken attempt to hook up with him in an obscure club they prowled in, nearly two years ago on his 20th birthday. Isak still remembered the sheer adrenaline coursing through him as Even had edged closer to him; that was until he remembered Jakob would be waiting at home for him. He had literally run out of the club like a demon chased by a holy-man, shaken up. A huge part of him was dazed; 1) Even was not straight 2) Even tried to kiss him. A smaller part of him had wondered what it would feel like to have his crush of nearly three years finally put his lips on him.

Isak shook his head as if to clear the cluttering thoughts in his head. He smiled warmly at Even who was now standing a few feet away from him, staring at him intensely as if he could delve into Isak’s head and pick apart his thoughts. Even returned the smile but now with a slightly wistful expression. He returned to his perusal of their friends’ drunken antics and the moment was gone.

Isak turned to Jakob who looked like he could fall asleep on his feet and he quickly wrapped an arm around him. Leaning toward him, he whispered, “We can go now, you look half-dead. I know you have an early start tomorrow in the hospital”. Jakob had only been made a resident doctor recently. Isak knew his schedule had tightened up further.  
“I’ll go home, you stay. It’s been so long since you finally got together with your friends; I swear Eskild looked like he was about to break down at the sight of you when we came here”, Jakob laughed lightly and pecked Isak on the lips. “I’ll get an Uber for you. I’ll try not to be too late”, Isak pecked Jakob again and went out with him to see him off.  
After he waved goodbye to Jakob, he remained standing outside of the club, breathing in the crisp smell of the wintry air. A few minutes later, Sana joined him outside.  
“Hey, Sanasol. Having fun?” Isak waggled his eyebrows at Sana who gave an unimpressed snort. “Sure, I’m having as much as fun as a sober person would in a club full of shit-faced people”, she deadpanned. “Well, atleast you had fun, right?”, she asks smiling. “Of course I did. How can I not celebrate my engagement with my best bud?”, Isak teases and Sana rolls her eyes fondly.

“It’s rather hard to believe Jakob, of all people, would sign away his freedom to get married to you. That guy is too nice and you’re literally the Spawn of Satan”, Sana teased. 

“You shouldn’t antagonize the person who helped you get 6s’ in your classes, Sana”, Isak snorts. 

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that”, Sana says drily. She hesitates for a second and Isak knows instinctively what she’s going to ask next. “Did you tell Jakob? About what happened two weeks ago?” She looks slightly uneasy and Isak tries his best to not look away as he says, “No, that ship has sailed. I don’t feel that way about Even anymore. It was a crush fueled on by my admiration for him. I didn’t want to rock the boat with a something that hardly matters anymore.”

Sana nods in agreement even though her eyes are still regarding Isak cautiously. “Do you wanna come over to my house for prepping for the finals? I feel rather overwhelmed and having you could actually ground me, inexplicable as it sounds”, she snorts.

Isak laughs out loud, warm affection unfurling deep inside of him at Sana’s deft diversion from stuff that often bothers him being addressed and her ability to never pass up an opportunity to poke his ego. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, Sana”, the quiet confession taking him by surprise. Neverthelessly, it is the truth.

“I can’t hardly take credit for the seduction skills you unleashed on Jakob, let alone your engagement. That’s all you, best bud”, Sana winks at him but Isak knows that she understood and was avoiding a potential sap-fest.

“Wanna go back inside?”, He asks, Sana nodding and they enter the club together.  
………………………………………………………..

Isak enters the darkened interiors of his and Jakob’s small but cozy one-bedroom apartment. Since both of them would leave the lights on in their living room if the other is late heading back, the dark room feels like an oddity. He stalks inside and pauses at the bedroom. It’s suspiciously quiet, not even a hint of light breathing which is rather uncharacteristic of Jakob who often snuffled cutely in his sleep.

Isak checks the kitchen and bathroom but there were no signs of Jakob anywhere. He wonders if Jakob got a sudden call asking for a shift in the hospital but quickly dismisses the ides. Jakob would tell him if that was the case. Swiftly, he phones Jakob but it goes to voicemail after a couple of rings. Next, he calls one of Jakob’s co-worker and feels a quick frisson of worry course through him when she says he didn’t check into the hospital.

Worried, Isak decides to walk around in their block hoping that Jakob would walk out of one of the many convenience stores but after an hour and half of trudging in the snow, Jakob was nowhere to be found. Isak returns to their apartment, the fun he had during their engagement party having given way to a solid lump of cold dread settling in his stomach. He finds himself sinking onto the couch, feeling rather rattled. He shakes his head slowly in an attempt to shake off the stifling thoughts and decides to take a quick shower to kill the time. 

As soon as he steps into the bathroom, his phone vibrates loudly and Isak nearly trips in his haste to get to it. Hardly bothering to check the caller ID, he pants, “Hello?”  
There was a slight pause on the other end and then, someone clears their throat gently and asks, “Is this Isak Valtersen? Are you related to Jakob Hansen? ”  
“Yes, I am his fiancé. Who is this?”, Isak asks, a sense of foreboding creeping up his spine.

“Mr. Hansen was in an accident two hours ago. His Uber ride was toppled over by a driver under the influence. He died instantly. I’m sorry for your loss, Sir”.


	2. Chapter 2

_Then_

_The pounding beat of the music from inside the club was assaulting Isak’s eardrums even as he kneeled down the cold strip of pavement near the alley behind the club. The dark of the night was simultaneously comforting yet ominous since it provided the cloak of anonymity to those who craved the escape of flesh-on-flesh._

_The slight modicum of relief he felt after heaving the contents of his stomach was only short-lived as he was attacked by another bout of dry heaving. He felt prickles break all over his skin as the cold air blew heavily on the streets, shrouding the roads in an eerie white._

_Coming to the club was a mistake, the sober part of him knew. He had known exactly what would happen; A man, nice enough to look at and gentlemanly enough would brush his fingers on his shoulder and arms, the touch light and flirty, eyes hooded with desire for a meaningless orgasm that would be a temporary reprieve from whatever hounded their minds. Perhaps he would be a man who simply wanted the closeness of another’s body to unwind and let go, revel in his singleness or perhaps seeking a connection. But as soon as they made it to the bathrooms at the back, the touch would grow insistent or as in some cases, brutishly hard; bruises blooming into pale skin, the line of seduction crossed into discomfort and the urge to get away from arms that no longer gave him pleasure._

_Isak winced as his side twitched, aware of the purplish bruise that his latest conquest had left on his skin as he got pounded from behind. The satisfaction had only lasted for all of 10 seconds as the guy had quickly zipped himself up and left the stall with a thanks and a quick kiss on Isak’s cheeks, a perfunctory gesture after an act supposedly intimate yet carrying no intimacy._

_He stretched, locked muscles creaking and he let out a low groan into the air. For a few moments, he stood with his face upturned, his hoodie up, into the snow falling gently around him. His thoughts inadvertently turned to his mother. His earliest memories were those of them both running outside of the house, as the first snowflake would reach the ground. They would run out, screaming at the top of their lungs, as his dad would look on and laugh and sometimes, took a video of it._

_Snowfall started being something else for him as he grew up. He was more aware of his mother’s growing inconsistencies in her moods as the years passed by. She would play a lazy tune on their piano that she so treasured, that had been given to her as a child by her grandma, and sometime later after she got bored of the monotony, she would go to bed and not come out of her room for hours until his dad got back from work. He often waited for her to get up, so that she would show him to play simple melodies; she enjoyed teaching him but not so much these days. He would then look up for the chords and played them himself, while his mother remained silent as a ghost; a friendly one but absent._

_He started playing more and more to chase away the stillness of their home, hoping the simple chords would blow life into a home that was strangely broken; an increasingly absent father who couldn’t handle his wife’s depression and sudden sporadic fits of insanity; a young son frightened by the upheaval in his life. For him now, snowfall was no longer a thing of joy; it now symbolized the emotional distance in his family, the members trapped in their own heads._

_Isak’s wandering thoughts came to a sudden standstill when a particularly sudden vicious heave of his guts had him nearly sprawling on the pavement. He was dimly aware of perhaps being alcohol-poisoned or maybe someone slipped something into his drink. Either way, he couldn’t wait around any longer to get home. But his legs were lip like noodles and his head hurt like someone was drilling nails into his temples._

_Fuck, maybe this was the start of his migraine episodes. This was bad, really bad. Isak was hardly more functional than a corpse during his migraines and some of his vicious episodes had lasted for a week. Fun times._

_Dimly, he was aware of a man approaching him at the corner of his vision. The guy crouched down beside him and asked in a low voice, “Do you need helping getting back home, Isak? You don’t look too good to get back on your own.”_

_Isak barely had the strength to reply, let alone consider how the stranger knew his name. “Just help me hail a cab. My apartment is on the second floor. I’ll be fine.”_

_Isak tensed slightly as he wondered whether the stranger would keep insisting to help him home but thankfully, the other guy dropped it and called an Uber ride. Isak fumbled in his pockets to pay the stranger when he told him his ride was already paid for but the other guy laughingly swatted his hands away and walking backwards, facing him, said “See you on Monday”._

_For the rest of the ride, amidst his hazy, pain ridden thoughts, he wondered if he had met him somewhere._

Isak piled his textbooks haphazardly onto one big messy pile, tidying it enough to not let it topple. He dragged the cardboard boxes Magnus had brought from his house and quickly arranged his books in them. His clothes went in another one. After he was done packing his stuff, he looked around, gaze fixed on the now sparse looking apartment. His life with Jakob, all of three years, now fit into barely 3 boxes.

Jakob’s clothes, textbooks, notebooks filled with sheets of guitar chords or scribbles of medical jargon lay untouched, like it had been for the past four months. Isak took a deep shuddering breath to push back the lump in his throat. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine Jakob squatting on the floor, grumbling as he asked Isak whether he had thrown his favorite pair of socks into the dryer or was it still in the hamper, while he looked under their bed. He could imagine him looking frazzled as he found stuff that was previously thought to be missing. Jakob had always been amazingly sloppy, perhaps even worse than Isak, much to Eskild’s eternal amusement.

Footsteps behind him jolted him out of his thoughts. Turning around, he saw Jonas’ curly head behind Mahdi and Magnus. They must have let themselves in with the spare key. Looking up at them from the floor, Isak felt an inexorable rush of affection for the boys. They must have known packing up Jakob’s stuff on his own would be a literal hell for him.

Crouching down, Jonas softly said “Care for some help?”

Isak smiled up at him gratefully and nodded, pulling himself off the floor and hugged the boys tightly. As they got to work, pulling the stuff off the shelves, Isak took a deep breath and shuffled quietly into his bedroom. He gently fell into bed, breathing in the light blue sheets. Jakob’s scent no longer lingered. In a way, Isak was both relieved and devastated.

He woke up when Jonas touched him gently on his forehead. He hadn’t even been aware he had dozed off. “The van is loaded and everything’s done except for the mattress. Shall we go?”, Jonas asked softly. Isak nodded and they both made way into the living room, where Magnus and Mahdi were waiting. Isak let his eyes run around the apartment that no longer looked like home. Taking a deep breath, he turned around resolutely and followed Jonas down the stairs.

……………………………………………………….

When Isak blinked his bleary eyes open, the sight of Eskild bouncing slightly on the mattress, grinning salaciously with a plate of toast balanced precariously on his lap, registered. He groaned, burrowing further into the duvet. Eskild gave a high-pitched giggle, so at odds with his deep voice. “I’ve missed this sight over the last two years, my gay-baby. Welcome home”, he cheered and placing the toast on the night stand, barreled into Isak, wrapping his arms and legs tightly around Isak like some overgrown koala bear. Isak snorted and promptly burst into giggles, to his eternal shame. Eskild joined him, both snorting loudly and as their giggles subsided, Eskild smiled softly at him. “Even Linn is here, she missed you too, weird as it may sound. I think she missed the clutter in this place, she had an excuse to blame it all on you when you were here.”

Isak laughed and wrapped Linn in his arms. They both had never been the most tactile of people around each other. But this, right now, felt like he’d come back to his family, something he felt he’d lost after Jakob died. After the loss of his mom and dad in his life, he’d found a family here, this individually dysfunctional group of misfits, all of them strangers to their parents. But together, the Kollectivet had been a home. It made sense that he was here yet again. He could only pray that things looked uphill from here; He had already gone through the loss of too many people he’d loved.

His phone started vibrating with an incoming call. Eskild and Linn both left the room, promising to harass him later. Already in abtter mood than before, Isak looked down at his phone. For a moment, he froze.

Even. Shit.

He hadn’t really thought much about Even in the past four months. The last time Isak had seen him was at the wake after Jakob’s funeral. Isak had barely registered the people around him offering condolences but his focus had shifted when Even had hesitantly wrapped him in a warm hug. The heat of their bodies together had felt like it could thaw away at the frigid chill set deep in Isak’s core. Afterwards, Even had whispered into Isak’s ear, “You’re not alone. Call me anytime you need.”

But Isak hadn’t initiated any contact between them, nor did he respond to Even’s occasional messages with more than monosyllabic answers and their communication had dried up. Isak felt a stab of guilt. Even had been nothing but gracious and kind about the whole thing and Isak shouldn’t have cut himself off from his friends’ kindness.

He quickly picked up the call just as the ringing was about to end.

“Hey Even.”

“Isak. Hi. How are you?”

“I’m good. Or getting there. And you?”

“I’m good too. I heard you moved yesterday. Magnus told me when I met him up for a coffee. I offered to help them move but apparently, four guys are too many to shift a couple of boxes.”, Even laughed.

Inspite of himself, the words sent a lance of pain through Isak. He hadn’t unpacked Jakob’s stuff from the boxes. He knew he had to sort through them quickly and hand over some of the stuff to his parents but not yet. When the silence stretched on, Isak could discern Even attempting to backtrack.

“Ummm, I didn’t quite mean it like that. Well, I was --”, Even stammered.

“It’s all right, Even. I’m the master of uncomfortable silences now. You got the memo now”, Isak laughed awkwardly trying to dispel the tension. Thankfully, it worked.

Even hummed, “I was thinking that if you were upto it, we could catch up over a coffee. Actually Elias and Sana wanted to drag you over to the Bakkoush’s but I told them you would get overwhelmed with everyone being over-the-top affectionate. Also, Mutta misses you like hell, almost as much as I do, by the way. He says his daily dose of science facts came to a standstill and apparently, there is no one else willing to boost up his quota for intelligent reasoning. Atleast meet him before the rest unless he ends up he breaking down the front door of Kollectivet.”

Isak chuckled and felt the tension in his body seep away.

“You know what? I’ll definitely come for Mama Bakkoush’s Baklava. Or chebakia. Anything at all. Just ask her to feed me.”, Isak laughed and Even joined in, his familiar deep rumble wrapping Isak up in a bubble of comfort.

“Good. I’ll invite everyone then. Let’s do this on Saturday, then?”, Even sounds pleased.

“Yeah. Of course”. Inspite of himself, Isak’s frayed nerves start rushing back. He can’t stand to have Jakob mentioned to him even by accident, even though he knows everyone would try their best not to. He doesn’t want them to be overly cautious around him either.

“I missed you, Isak. See you soon?”, Even asked as if he could sense Isak’s growing reticence.

The low intimate tone sent a rush of heat through Isak. He tried to tamp it down, guilt warring with his desire to reciprocate Even’s warmth. But now was not the time.

“I’ll see you soon”. He promised and there was a moment of silence on the other end, after which Even cleared his throat and hung up after a quick goodbye.

Isak lay back down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. Four months spent in isolation, save for Jonas’ occasional visits to check if Isak was eating, was needed to sort his thoughts out. He needed to grieve Jakob properly. But now, it was time to throw himself back into the maddening crowd.


	3. Chapter 3

_Then_

_Isak woke up with a groan. The worst of his migraine had subsided, leaving behind a dull throbbing pain in his temples. Alcohol and migraines do not go well hand-in-hand, he thought wryly. Stretching like a feline, he lazed around in bed before grumpily deciding to get breakfast._

_Eskild was frowning down at his coffee mug as if someone had poured something vile into it, which he might have done all by himself. Eskild was so bad at cooking, even worse than Isak which was a feat all by itself since Isak had a reputation for burning water. Inspite of himself, Isak felt his lips stretch into a grin at Eskild’s grimace._

_“How’s my favorite roomie doing?” Isak could hardly mask the sarcasm mixed with fondness in his tone._

_“Good to see you’re back to your snarky self, because on Friday, you were ready to lick my feet to help you get into bed” Eskild snickered and playfully ruffled at Isak’s curls._

_“Fuck you”. Isak said without heat._

_Eskild snickered again, “You’re too vanilla to handle me, my godkitten. Besides, you already got some at the club, didn’t you?”_

_A heavy weight seemed to lodge itself inside Isak’s guts. He swerved away from the kitchen, walking straight towards the bathroom. He wanted to get away from Eskild’s impending Inquisition, away from his well-meaning but stifling concern. At vain, Eskild followed him back to the bathroom as Isak stood there, putting paste on his toothbrush._

_“Isak” Eskild began in a tone he knew all too well, “I know that you’re not comfortable discussing this but I have to know if you’re taking care of yourself. I saw the bruises on your side. I imagine it might not feel very pleasurable. Are you - ”_

_“Eskild, I’m careful, you know that. Besides, bathrooms at the back of the club are hardly the places to show tenderness, do you really think that?” Isak asked pointedly._

_Eskild snorted, “I’ve been hooking up with guys ever since you were in your diapers. Don’t act smart, young gay.” Isak rolled his eyes at that, huffing at the exaggeration. “I’ve let myself go wild in my days but I’ve always steered clear of the ones who looks forward to roughhousing others during sex. Sometimes, I feel like you’re trying to punish yourself for being gay.”_

_As soon as the words left Eskild’s mouth, his eyes bugged and Isak could feel the regret pouring out of him. Which still did nothing to placate him._

_Isak spun around furiously, toothbrush forgotten, shoving Eskild away from the doorway with his shoulder and quickly made his way to the living room. He pulled on his shoes and threw on a coat hastily, Eskild right on his heels with a pleading look in his warm brown eyes._

_Isak considered storming away but despite his overwhelming anger which was forcing words up his throat that he would definitely regret later, Isak didn’t wanna leave Eskild wallowing in self-loathing. Especially since his earlier observation was somewhat true._

_“I’ll come back when I manage to calm down, ok?” Without waiting for an answer, he quickly opens the door and lets himself out._

_……………………………………………………………………_

_How the hell did he end up right in front of fucking Kaffebreneriet again?_

_Isak knew he was a masochist by heart. He had years of practice after all. Going back to the home he shared with his parents. He would often sit by the side of their picket fence, wondering if things could have gotten better had he stayed._

_He was now at Even’s turf, back to the scene of his second biggest mistake. He stared through the window pane. Even was in his element, smiling graciously at each customer in line. Isak knew all his different smiles by now. Two years of observing Even. The smile he gave to his friends. To his mom and dad. To Sonja. And then the rare smile he often gave to Isak._

_The same one which he had seen on his face as Even approached him three months ago on his 19 th birthday. The same one when Even had pressed closer and closer to him, blue eyes staring down into Isak’s own, searching and intense. The slightest glint of recklessness and drunken courage, as their lips had met feverishly, teeth and tongue and lips colliding sloppily._

_Soon after the overwhelming pleasure, came flooding terror. Isak felt like he was hanging off a ledge, while Even stood beneath him, convincing him that there was a foothold right under him which he couldn’t see. The suffocation enveloped him, turning the heat of their frenzied mouths into something like agony._

_So Isak ran. Ran like a madman fleeing an asylum. He still could remember the crushed expression on Even’s face as he had glanced briefly at him._

_Now, Even was smiling. At a guy with light brown hair._

_Isak stood rooted to the spot watching them, feeling like someone had set his insides on fire. He watched as Even leant across the counter, his smile having morphed into a more flirtatious one, while the guy cupped Even’s jaw. Their lips met._

_Isak stared and stared. Then he took a deep breath. The pain was not unwarranted since he had run away from Even after all. Made him think the kiss wasn’t welcome. Showed him just how fucking deep in the closet he was. Even was better off with someone who was brave enough. Like the guy currently eating his face._

_His gaze focused. Even was staring at him, wide-eyed. And the guy was turning around, brows furrowed in confusion. Isak felt a smile stretching across his face, fake as a plastic tree but meant to reassure Even. That he was past whatever animosity that they shared. The go-ahead sign for Even to move on, from a closeted guy who had nothing to offer someone as vibrant and larger-than-life as Even. It was all good._

_Isak turned on his heels and swiftly walked home._

_……………………………………………………………_

_Isak sighed in relief when Professor Johansson wrapped up his dreary Clinical Chemistry lecture. He quickly shoved his books into his bag and got up, shoving the chair behind him unceremoniously. He couldn’t wait to get back to the Kollectivet and catch up on his sleep._

_As he stepped out of the lecture hall, he caught sight of a dark- haired guy, who looked rather familiar. Isak wondered if he had met him at the club on Friday._

_The guy was hanging around, swiping lazily at his phone. Then he looked up straight, gaze fixed on Isak. Isak felt his cheeks heat up when the guy smirked at him and strode towards him with the air of someone on a victory march._

_“Hi Isak. I did say I’d meet you on Monday. How’s your head?” The guy asked, his broad grin having made way into a softer smile. Isak liked it. It looked good on him. Then it struck him._

_“Oh wait, you helped me at the club, right?” Isak said, flustered._

_The guy laughed. “I’m kinda surprised you remember. You weren’t looking your hottest athe club. I mean, atleast not as much as you usually do.”_

_Isak felt his cheeks grow even hotter and he cursed himself. If this didn’t scream GAY out to others, he didn’t know what else would._

_The guy chuckled again, hazel eyes shining with mirth._

_“Are you in my class? How did you know my name?” Isak asked, trying to deflect but also genuinely curious._

_Then it hit him._

_The guy had been at the club. Where he could have possibly seen Isak slipping into the bathroom with another guy right behind him. Where he could have seen Isak frenzily making out with the said guy before their little escapade._

_Suddenly, he felt sick. Would this guy out him? He wasn’t ready. He didn’t think he ever would be. All the pep talks he got from Eskild had been wasted. He was too terrified._

_Obviously this guy knew he liked dick. He wouldn’t have called him hot otherwise._

_Isak felt bitterness grow in him. This guy was so flippant about the stray comment of finding him hot. There was no inflection of shame in admitting what he thought of Isak. Woud Isak ever be like this? Own his sexuality with pride?_

_The guy seemed to have sensed Isak’s internal ramblings because he stepped slightly closer._

_“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Isak. I have seen you around a lot of times before. Maybe just after you joined here. I am not in your class, I am three years older than you, I think. And if you were wondering, yes, I was hitting on you but I won’t if you’re uncomfortable with it. But maybe I can change your mind if we became friends? No pressure. And you shouldn’t worry about me outing you. I will never do that. Shit, I’m messing up this up, aren’t I? I’ll just go”. The guy rambled, squirming, his face slightly panicked and he spun on his heels, looking almost ready to flee._

_Without conscious thought, Isak sprung forward and clutched at the guy’s sleeve. The other boy’s eyes were now wide and fixed on Isak._

_Inspite of himself, Isak felt himself chuckling. Something about this was rather endearing. Calming. Maybe a little bit like Even._

_Shit. ABORT thought. ABORT._

_“First of all, I’m alright now. Maybe a little sleep-deprived but that’s nothing new. Secondly, I wouldn’t mind being friends, but I have to warn you I’m not a very pleasant person to deal with. Thirdly, what is your name?” Isak felt amazed at his own bravery._

_He looked at the other boy, buoyant grin back on his face._

_“I’m Jakob. Jakob Eriksen. And your potential boyfriend?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Just wanted to clarify that the whole chapter is a flashback.  
> I know many of you might be wondering why I am choosing to explore Jasak's relationship. And that you might be put off by the lack of Even in the past chapters. I assure you that they are endgame.  
> But I wanted Isak to have had a solid loving relationship with Jakob, who has obviously helped him out of the closet. Please bear with me.


	4. Chapter 4

Isak weaved his way through the house, stepping outside for fresh air. His stomach felt uncomfortably full, having inhaled the most of Mama Bakkoush’s exquisitely mouthwatering food. For the first time after everything that happened, he felt at peace.

Isak had always been drawn to the warmth of the Bakkoush residence. Their family had a gentle dynamic that bespoke of care and attention. Which was rather similar to Even’s family. No wonder their children had grown into lovely adults with enviable maturity and an innate confidence that could only come from the security of a steadfast family. Being around them made Isak feel simultaneously warm and broken.

Light footsteps sounded behind him, walking straight towards where he was leaning on the balcony. Without turning, Isak knew it was Even.

“That chebakia was out of the world, wasn’t it?” Even groaned dramatically. “My stomach is in agony. What does the doctor say to that, Valtersen?” He shoved Isak playfully and took his place in the tiny balcony. Isak scowled and shoved him back but couldn’t help the tiny smile unfurling on his lips.

“The only important question is if you have the space for ice cream that Sana apparently made. But I suspect Yousef did most of the work. Like it always comes to kitchen skills.” Isak grinned.

“Not everyone is as hopeless as you in the kitchen, Isak. Sana didn’t know to peel carrots but you should remember that you made the tomato sauce explode all over the kitchen. Even on the dining chairs which were a couple of feet away” Even roared with laughter, probably remembering the way the pot of tomato sauce had nearly vaulted off the stove when Isak had attempted to cook at the Kollectiv.

“Fuck you.” Isak groaned and shoved Even for real this time, making the taller boy stumble into a couple of plants in pots and nearly face plant himself on the floor. Isak snorted when Even glared at him balefully.

“Good to see that you boys are flirting as much as you used to do in Nissen.” Adam’s boisterously loud voice belted out as the Balloon Squad with Jonas, Magnus and Madhi came into view, all of them looking slightly nauseous.

Mikael prodded Adam ruthlessly in his ribs, making the latter whine out.

“We weren’t flirting.” Isak spluttered out, cheeks reddening slightly. Jonas gave him a rather dubious look that he ignored.

“That’s true. It’s more like two very large Bambis stumbling around in half-assed attempts to impress each other.” Mutta laughed and the others joined in.

Even shrugged. “It’s neither mine nor Isak’s faults that the rest of you are so woefully short. All hail the great genetics we have.” He raised a hand in high-five that Isak returned, giving their friends playfully contemptuous looks.

“Alright guys, time for ice cream. And I have to sleep off all this uncomfortable ache in my stomach so I need you bitches out of my house as soon as possible.” Elias belted out and everyone followed him inside to the living room, chuckles filling in the air.

Isak and Even followed them last, Isak walking in first. Then he felt Even’s warm breath on the shell of his left ear.

“Wish you were flirting.” Then he strode in, walking with a swagger that only Even could pull off. While Isak stared dumbly at his back, cheeks further reddening.

…………………………………………………………………………

He shouldn’t have agreed to this. Fucking Eskild who had nagged him over and over to let him hold Isak’s birthday celebration. In a fucking strip club, of all godforsaken clubs. He wouldn’t have been half bothered if it was just a gay club.

_No Isak, it has to be in a place where you have to be reminded of the beauty of the male form. Where you are surrounded by hot young men thrusting their merchandise into your face, because that’s what it is gonna take to help you remember how sex feels like,_ Eskild had reasoned while Isak had groaned and stormed off into his room.

His only relief was that most of the gang looked almost as uncomfortable as he felt inside as they stood outside the strip club, the pounding music filtering out through occasionally opening doors. He is too awkward for this shit, Isak groaned inwardly. He was fucking twenty-three and about to graduate medical college.

“Alright, boys. Feel free to stay here outside and squirm. Just remember that nothing you see inside is any different from what you see on yourself everyday. If it helps, imagine yourselves in G-srings.” Eskild yelled out, followed by a chorus of embarrassed groans, save for Magnus who looked genuinely curious.

Even sidled up to Isak’s side and murmured down into his ear. “Ready for an unforgettable birthday?”, he snickered softly. Isak turned around slightly to properly take in Even’s features. They haven’t had much time to meet after dinner at Bakkoush’s.

“Ready as you are.” Isak smirked and cringing inwardly, followed an over-excited Magnus who was gawping at the interiors of the club.

“Happy birthday.” The words were yelled out by the gang along with several male employees of the strip club. Adam and Mikael were giggling at the slightly stupified expression on Isak’s face as he muttered thanks and ducked his head. Then he turned to Eskild.

“Aren’t the girls coming?”

Eskild laughed. “They will be here soon. Noora and Sana are not particularly excited though at the choice of venue.” Elias and Yousef wore identical looks of horror at the thought of Sana inside the strip club. Even snickered again. “I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen.”

Then he turned towards Isak and leaned in, kissing him lightly on the cheek. “happy birthday, Isak.” It was an intimate carress of words, leaving Isak blushing. “Thank you” He murmured back.

“Where’s the birthday boy?” A buff young guy in a leopard thong cooed as he approached the gang.

“Right here! And he needs a lap dance, stat!” Eskild grinned at Isak.

The guy dragged Isak to a high backed chair with velvety cushions and promptly sat down on his lap, eliciting hoots and laughter from the others, Adam’s voice being the loudest of them all.

Isak flashed a helpless look back at the others and his gaze landed on Even. Who wasn’t smiling. His face was studiously impassive, icy blue eyes now looking rather dark and glittering in the strobe lights of the club.

Sudden heat licked up Isak’s spine as the two of them continued to look at each other, desire shimmering in the air between them. Isak allowed himself to look, enjoying the heat under Even’s relentless stare as the guy on his lap grinded down lightly. His movements were smooth and sinuous, despite the rather gaudy costume and Isak felt himself harden instinctively. He didn’t want to analyse if it was because of the body gyrating smoothly against his or Even’s heated glare. Or months of deprivation. His libido was on a major comeback and right then, only a small part of him felt guilt.

Neither of them broke eye contact as the guy finally finished his ministrations and popped off Isak’s lap with a wink and a playful kiss to the cheek. Isak smiled rather sheepishly up at the guy and thanked him, cheeks burning slightly. The guy chuckled and gave him a playful ruffle of his hair. Then he leaned down, breathing softly into the shell of Isak’s ear.

“If you’re interested in taking this further, why don’t you wait till my shift is over?”

Isak had barely even parted his lips to reply when a shadow fell over both him and the guy. “I don’t think so, dude.” Even replied smoothly and in one swift motion, hauled Isak from his chair and smiled sneakily at the other guy who was smirking a little. He gracefully shrugged and prowled further into the club, ass swaying.

“Let’s go take shots, shall we?” Even smirked down at Isak.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Isak held a heavily drunk Even in his arms and nearly stumbled when Even tipped off to one side. With a great heave, he hefted Even firmly against one side and walked quickly to Even’s house that he shared with the rest of the Balloon Squad. The boys would only return much later.

He somehow pocketed Even’s keys after fumbling in his back pocket and kicked the door open with one foot. Dragging Even who was not much more than dead weight wasn’t something Isak looked forward to anytime close in the future. He finally managed to get to Even’s room and nearly planted them both face first into the mattress had it not been for his outstretched arm.

The room was incredibly familiar to him, perhaps as much as his own. Isak had spent countless hours in this room, smoking joints, listening to Nas and Sufyan Stevens with Even ever since he moved into this house a couple of years ago, right after he broke up with Sonja.

He let his eyes sweep over the entirety of the room. In addition to Even’s usual drawings and his photos of him with their friends and one with Sonja, he found a new one. He went closer squinting and a lump formed in his throat. It was a picture of Isak, evidently taken unaware. He was peering into his book with a fry halfway dangling out of his mouth and eyebrows slightly furrowed.

Isak stared, reeling. He had always known the presence of some leftover tension between him and Even, even when he was dating Jakob but neither had acted on it. Jakob had been his first and most emotionally fulfilling relationship, something that Isak had desperately needed.

After their fallout due to a drunken kiss on his 19th birthday, he had resolved to move on and preserve his friendship with Even. He hadn’t been ready and Even hadn’t waited. Isak hardly begrudged him that decision. No one should have to put their life on a standstill for another person who didn’t know what they wanted.

To someone who wasn’t aware of their history, the picture would look innocent enough but a part of Isak traitorously hoped it wasn’t. That, coupled with their increasingly flirtatious encounters convinced Isak that the attraction both felt to each other had only lay dormant and hadn’t wiped out entirely.

And yet he wondered out loud without actually hoping for an answer from the drunken man on the bed, “Why do you have this?”

Even mumbled something that might have been Isak’s name and with suddenness one would hardly expect of an inebriated guy, grasped Isak and pulled him down on top of himself.

Isak was so stunned that he didn’t move. Even kissed him deeply, his mouth warm and tasting like alcohol. His lips moved over Isak’s hungrily, pushing past his lips and scoured the inside with his tongue. Isak groaned, his brain finally catching up and kissed back with a hunger that rivaled Even’s own. The two men hungrily nipped at each other’s mouths, dicks hardening and insistently rubbing against each other.

A part of Isak knew that he shouldn’t let this situation continue to a point where they wouldn’t be able to return back from. Only when Even reached for the front clasp of Isak’s jeans, did he finally react.

“Stop”, he snapped and shoved himself off Even so hard that he nearly fell down when his knees buckled.

Even breathed heavily, blue eyes glazed from lust and inebriation.

“Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have?” he asked, voice low and rough. Isak swallowed drily and nodded, their eyes locked on each other.

It was such a loaded question with a simple answer. Isak had wanted Even and Even had wanted Isak. But Even had been the only one brave enough to go after what he wanted. Isak had fled, temporarily destroying their tender friendship and taking refuge behind Jakob. Who was safe and constant.

And here they were, after nearly six years of mostly platonic friendship, Even looking at Isak in a way that put Chris Schistad’s most lustful leers to shame.

“Him? Or me?” Even’s voice was a whisper. His face had fallen abruptly and his shoulders were tense.

Isak gaped at Even. He opened his mouth to refute how Even could ever diubt that it was him when he stopped the words. What was Even supposed to think? He had been in a relationship with Jakob, had gotten engaged to him and would have even married him, had the guy been alive.

“I had always wanted you, Even. Ever since I was seventeen. I always thought you never noticed. I was always eclipsed by Sonja and you only had eyes for her. And I was scared to accept who I was. I knew I would never pursue you. Even after you broke up with her, you didn’t notice me. And a part of me didn’t want to be noticed. That started eating at me, until I started visiting gay clubs and having anonymous sex while I was drunk or high off my face. Each encounter left me feeling dirty, undeserving of your attention. And after that night when you kissed me, I wasn’t thinking. I was terrified. I didn’t know what you wanted from me. I didn’t know what I wanted from me, least of all, you. So I ran. And I’m sorry.”

Isak cut off his ramble, pausing to look at Even’s pale face carefully.

“Are you gonna remember all this tomorrow? Is this even gonna matter tomorrow?” He asked desperately, willing Even to look him in the eye and assure him that this was real. And Even would remember.

Instead, Even sighed, pulling his knees up against his chest, as if to protect himself. After a long pause, he finally looked Isak in the eye and smiled.

“We are both too drunk to be having this conversation. I want to do this properly, Isak. I have waited long enough and I don’t want to jeopardise this. I’m sorry I tried to get into your pants now; I was going mad with lust. But right now, I just want to spend the night of your birthday cuddling with you and we’ll have a proper conversation tomorrow. After we nurse our hangovers. Will you stay? Promise you won’t run before I wake up.”

There was a pleading note in Even’s voice and Isak melted completely. The wave of gratitude that flooded his veins had him nearly weeping with joy. Without further thought, he got into bed, only taking off his jacket and plopped down next to Even who did the same. They moved their bodies around rather ungracefully, trying to accommodate their 6-foot frames in the bed.

Finally giving up, Isak carefully lowered himself half on top of Even, clinging like a child. His head was comfortable on the older guy’s shoulder and his breaths warm against his neck. Soon they both fell asleep, their closeness lulling them into a deep slumber.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my very first fanfic. After having read nearly all the Skam fanfics, I finally decided to dabble in an idea borne in my mind. I have fleshed out the plot in my head but Isak and Even are complicated creatures after all. So I guess I should add a Slowburn tag? We'll see.   
> Anyway, do comment below if you like this and have an inkling of what could possibly happen next.


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